That's Where Its At
By Alexandria Cabacungan
The beach. Calm and relaxing. As I enter the water, my problems get washed away with the waves. The wind soothes me as I lay on the wet sand. "Ahh." peace at last.
It all started when I was just a litle girl. My family and I would drive to Hawaii Kai and spend a whole day at Allan Davis. My dad and uncles loved to go four-wheel driving. My body jerking from one place to another, like riding a wild roller coaster. Then, we jumped out of the car and headed to the beach to cool down. As we got into the water, I spent most of my time with my dad who was teaching how to swim as my mom layed under the blazing sun. When I'm in the water, everything around me is a total blur. I'm in my own world now. The cold water runs smoothly across my skin and through my hair, giving me a sensational feeling. The ocean was my new best friend.
About 5 years after my parents started bringing me to Allan Davis, the state closed the place down. Memeories filled my mind as I spent my time at another beach for the first time in a long time. Nothing was ever the same. I missed four-wheeling in that white, lifted chevy and trying to beat my uncles on the rough dusty surface, feeling refreshed by the clear blue ocean, spending time with my uncles and cousins almost everyday. But everything was dull now.
"Eh, we go swim!" my cousin said. So we all put on our sun tan lotion and raced to the water. As I got in, it all came back to me. I realized that the same feeling I had had at Allan Davis is still with me 'till this day. I zone out into my own little world, as I start to boogie board. I felt everything around me dissapear.
I lay on the damp sand and thought back about the old days. "The beach. My best friend...my love"
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ReplyDeleteHey Alex, (:
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph is really good. You have a good sentence that describes how the wind soothes you as you lay on the wet sand. I liked how you were telling us when your family would take you to Hawaii Kai just to go the the beach, Allan Davis. I also liked how you added the part when the state closed Allan Davis 5 years ago & how memories filled your ind just thinking about the times you had have going to that beach.
Overall, Your essay draft is really good. The way you describe the beach & how your experience is very good.
Alex!!!
ReplyDeleteThe beginning of the draft had a good description, I could picture what was going on. I liked how you added that when the beach was closed down that it was never the same going to other beaches but that later you realized that no matter what beach it is, you still feel like the beach is your place to relax. Some things you could add to your draft is the description of the beach such as sight and sound. Also you could add what made Allan Davis such a special beach compared to the other beaches. Yeah you did a great draft but just adding more details will make it better. :)
-Angela
Hey Alex, (:
ReplyDeleteThis is a good rough draft for your Querencia. But along with the good, there are also some things you could work on.
First of all, your first paragraph is good. It explains how you feel when you arrive at the beach, relaxed and peaceful. It gives me a good idea how you feel. You also had good vocabulary to explain parts of your draft. For example, you put "My body jerking from one place to another." I have a good image in my mind because of the word "jerking."
Some parts that I think you should work on is that in your 2nd paragraph, you could explain more on some things. For example, when you said, "I'm in my own world now," you could describe what your feeling and what your "own world" is instead of just saying you're in your own world. Also, in the 3rd paragraph when you say, "Memories filled my mind as I spent my time at another beach for the first time in a long time," you could tell what your memories are, like you're telling or showing a flashback.
Overall, this is a good start for your rough draft.
-Kristen(;
... sorry so long.
Hi Alex,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your draft. I especially liked your organization: first beach and good times --> closing of beach --> realization that you take the memories with you wherever you go.
Thus, if you make the first part as specific as possible, you don't have to enlarge on the "memories" part later, because the reader will know what you are referring to.
mrs s