For I am secretive.
I refuse to be open,
open with all my secrets.
But humanity will vent
and it's my duty to lend an ear.
It's my duty to relieve the stress,
the thoughts that runs through their mind.
As we grow old,
we will start to part.
But when we meet again,
you'll look back on those days
and you'll find a smile creeping onto your face.
You'll find that no matter what,
I've been there.
Through all the ups and downs,
I've been there.
I am loyal.
For I am a diary.
Hey Alex,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your poem because I believe almost everyone can relate to it. It has thoughtful meaning and I can see the effort and feelings you have put into it. I would like to quote "But when we meet again,
you'll look back on those days
and you'll find a smile creeping onto your face" That sentence was put together nicely. Overall, I loved this poem, and I think you did a really great job on it.
NO CONFUSION HERE HAHA ;P
Hi Alex,
ReplyDeleteNot to say that this poem isn't good, but I think that it would be better if you put your own voice in it, you could add your personality to it, you could add some comedy in it, like.......... well I can't give you examples because it has to be your voice. Your spelling and grammar are fine, your word
choice is good too. It just seems kind of vague, but if you can change that and make it more secretive or that kind of mood it will be a lot better. Sry, I was kind of negative.
-CJ Bush
hello alex, i found your poem very interesting and amusing. i feel that i can relate to your poem as well, because i too can be secretive. the grammar is good, you have no errors. i can tell you put a lot of effort into this poem. for me i have no suggestions about making it better, because it's already good.
ReplyDeleteHi Alex,
ReplyDeleteGreat job on your metaphor draft! I agree with Darian when he says that everyone can relate to the metaphor of the diary :) I disagree about the use of the word "creeping" though. I like the image of a diary (and you :) bringing a smile to someone's face...but the verb "creeping" I think has negative connotations, so I would suggest changing it.
I disagree with CJ on adding humor...if it were part of your metaphor, that would be fine, but you don't want to add humor just for the sake of adding humor.
What I'd recommend, though, might be more specifics about the memories that you, in particular, would save for people...and the type of "vents" that people will record in you...
mrs s