This poem is related to the story of Mulan
As a young girl,
I grew up spending my days with my father.
Growing up to be as good as the boys.
Independent and strong,
I fight.
I too defend my loved ones
to make things right.
Quiet and rebellious.
My looks are deceiving,
For you do not know what I'm capable of.
And through all the hardships,
the pain,
and the suffering,
I still remain to be the beautiful girl,
who's best known for her courage.
Hiiii Alex! So firstly, your draft is pretty good. I really like the concept of your poem. You can probably do some revising to enhance it.
ReplyDeleteFor your first stanza, it would be nice if you changed the this part: "I fight. I too defend my loved ones to make things right." to "I fight for the ones I love. I defend for the ones I love. I try to make things right for the ones I love." It would add more sentence fluency to your poem if you do. But if it sounds too repetitive, you can just say "I fight. I defend. I try to make things right for the ones I love."
This part: "Quiet and rebellious. My looks are deceiving, For you do not know what I'm capable of." I really, really like this part because it shows your relation to the allusion of Mulan. You can probably try to improve your poem more by fixing your word choice. But other than that, I really like your poem. Can't wait to see the final (:
-Sharmaine
Hey Alex. This rough draft was great. I could see Mulan from the words you chose.
ReplyDeleteThe only problem I saw is in your first stanza: “I fight. I too defend my loved ones. To make things right.” It can be revised to improve fluency. Just agreeing with what Sharmaine said. Umm…and that’s it. I enjoyed reading your poem. =)
- Desiree
Hi Alex,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your poem and graphic. And your teammates have given good commentary on sentence structure and parallels. Desiree's comment on the labelling of your graphic deals with parallel structure, and is an accurate correction.
Sharmaine had a good suggestion on the "I fight..." part. I think her second, shorter suggestion would work better.
Overall, very nice job!
mrs s